Purposeful Parenting is Relational Parenting
The funny thing about parenting is that, despite all good intentions, a clear plan, and the surplus of resources available, there is no single correct way to do it. We are all making it up as we go along. We are all trying to be better moms and dads than what we had, and the culture of parenting today has greatly evolved. The truth is, there is no map, and we are doing our best.
All relationships, according to the infant developmental psychologist Dr. Ed Tronick, are an endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair—closeness, disruption, and a return to closeness. While TV and the media often boast about harmony in relationships, real parenting consists of mess and disruption, which are healthy parts of parenting. As a mom of two teenage girls, there have been moments when things went sideways and raw feelings were expressed, and I was not exactly proud of my behavior. But I'm here to say that this is okay; it’s part of being human, so long as there is an avenue for repair.
You might ask, what does that look like? Purposeful parenting means being relational. If you lose it with your kids, admit it and say you’re sorry. Ask your children, “What do you need in order to feel okay?” and give it to them. I’m not suggesting giving people permission to abuse their kids, but we all lose it once in a while; we might even yell and scream sometimes and feel bad about it. Let your children know that you feel bad. Purposeful parenting gives children a chance to repair with you. Infant observational research teaches us that if we are aligned with our children 30% of the time (i.e., two out of three times), your child will be fine. And I bet that most of us do better than 30% of the time. Kids are not houseplants; they are resilient beings.
As a relational therapist, whether educating parents on parenting skills or helping individuals understand and parent the younger parts of their psyche, I draw upon the work of Pia Mellody and Terry Real’s teachings on what good parenting consists of: nurture, guidance, and limits. Nurture means saying, “I love you and I will always love you. You cannot earn my love. You cannot un-earn it. My love is here because you are my child who is living and breathing. I am by your side because of who you are, not because of your accomplishments or goodness.” Guidance means letting me teach you with appropriate scaffolding how to do something and helping you succeed. Lastly, limit setting with compassion is essential to purposeful parenting as it provides a container for children’s behaviors and helps them understand the consequences of negative behaviors. Purposeful parenting is relational, and part of being relational is knowing that you cannot control another human being, not even your kids, but with limits, you can control the environment around them.
Below are key principles of relational parenting drawn from Relational Life Therapy or RLT:
Relational Mindfulness: Emphasizing the importance of being present and mindful. In parenting, this means being aware of your own emotions, reactions, and patterns of interaction with your child.
Authenticity and Transparency: Encouraging authenticity and transparency. As a parent, being authentic means being genuine and honest with your child about your thoughts, feelings, and expectations.
Addressing Power Dynamics: Acknowledging and addressing power dynamics in relationships. In the parent-child relationship, this involves being aware of the inherent power imbalance and striving to use a compassionate hierarchy in a fair and respectful manner.
Repairing Relationship Rifts: Emphasizing the importance of repairing relationship ruptures. In parenting, this means acknowledging mistakes, apologizing when necessary, and working to rebuild trust and connection with your child.
Setting Healthy Boundaries: Setting and respecting healthy boundaries in relationships. In parenting, this includes setting clear expectations, limits, and consequences, while also allowing space for your child's autonomy and growth.
Emotional Regulation and Communication: Improving emotional regulation and communication skills. Parents can apply this by teaching their child how to identify and express emotions constructively, and by modeling healthy communication themselves.
Promoting Growth and Development: Encouraging personal growth and development within relationships. As a parent, this involves supporting your child's development, fostering their strengths, and guiding them through challenges with empathy and encouragement.
Purposeful parenting is about being intentional, present, and empathetic in your approach to raising children. By fostering a strong connection, understanding your child's unique needs, and guiding them with love and respect, you can help them grow into confident, independent, and compassionate individuals. Remember, “parenting is like steering on ice” (Terry Real); the goal is not perfection but progress. It is a journey filled with ups and downs. So, be patient with yourself and your child, and remain flexible in your approach. Adapt to your child's evolving needs and remember that making mistakes is part of the learning process for both of you. Embrace the journey of purposeful parenting and enjoy the incredible bond you share with your child.
